becoming comfortable in my own skin

I guess that there are days in your life when you can't help but look back to make a note of how you've grown or changed. Maybe it's been all the recent talk of first this's and first that's. My first crush on a boy. The first time I drove a car. The first time I snuck out. My first kiss. The first time I moved out.

Today was one of those days for me.

As I'm lying here in bed, so close to dreaming, I suddenly realized how much more comfortable I am in my own skin. I'm growing up. I'm getting older. I actually like me. I like how it feels to be me each day doing the little things I do. I can remember a time when I never thought that I'd approach that kind of comfort.

I was a pretty awkward teenager - there's just no getting around that. At 13 I hated everything that I was. Braces, bad hair, and limited self-confidence will do that to you. I had trouble speaking up at all, but when I did so many of my words were spelled with four letters. When I approached a feeling of remote comfortability with anyone, I grasped for any and all attention that I could get. When I think of it now, I realize how sad I was. How desperate I was to prove that I was worthy of attention and affection. How much I undervalued myself and worshipped everyone around me.

As I became older, the awkwardness faded slightly. At 15 I quit gymnastics full-time and headed to camp at the end of the summer. My experience at camp changed what I knew of myself. At camp I was able to see who Christ was. I realized, for the first time, that I could be loved and attended to by someone who would never let me down. I gained incredible confidence because of my new-found relationship with Christ. He enabled me to love myself even in my state of brokenness.

I wish that forming a relationship with Christ meant that everything in my world would make sense. That I wouldn't screw up or get hurt. That I would always love myself. That I would not be disappointed with the choices I've made or will continue to make. It's not like that though.

I can look back over the last 7.5 years and see a lot of failure. I see times where I made stupid mistakes. I see times where I lost the respect of myself and those around me. I see times where I was just plain miserable.

I am, however, very thankful that as I lie here right now I am able to realize how much I have learned because of my failings. I can see how God has taken the disrespect and trash that I've offered him and turned it into something beautiful. I can see how my faith in Christ has caused me to mature to a point where I am finally able to say that I'm becoming comfortable in my own skin.

There's so much more I want to be. I want to be real. I want to be able to lay all of me down at Christ's feet. To submit and surrender the brokenness that I've always been trapped in. The feelings of failure and discontent. I am, and will continue to be, a work-in-progress.

I never want to be completely comfortable with myself. If I was too comfortable I fear that I would forget to rely on the God that has brought me so much strength & hope. I want my heart to continue to desire more of Christ. To know him more intimately. To rely on Him more fully.

I can only hope that the day I become completely comfortable in my own skin is the day that I meet Christ face to face - What an awesome day that will be